My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
🤣🤣🤣🤣