handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You Might Also Like
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.