Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?