Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich