“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?