[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
😅🤣😂
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”