If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Have kids, they said
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*