Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Home #decor warning.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.