Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…