Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.