PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
You Might Also Like
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Okay, I’m still confused…
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Air conditioning – not a fan
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..