if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.