so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
i will not be silenced
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.