Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Feels
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.