All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A friend sent me this.