If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
man: wait
time: no
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Breaking news:
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
O Wise One….
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”