I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Just say no
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?