Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA