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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.