If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you