me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
You Might Also Like
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub