Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.