Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
War & Peace
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards