I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Bootstraps
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“I’m helping” 😅
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.