[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
This line from Airplane.