But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
You Might Also Like
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
i- i did not expect this
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.