If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers