I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
this article brought to you by lions
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done