Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*puts cutlery down*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on