You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that