Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.