I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit