Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.