Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”