[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move