My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
💻🤡
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Great game to play with friends
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“OMGJK” -atheists
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it