I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Did…did a minotaur write this