My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
why I oughta
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“TGIM!” – My liver
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I don’t get marriage
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m having an out of money experience.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.