A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.