100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
no regrets
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Pizza is an emotion right?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works