Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
i think both sides are to blame here
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin