*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
You Might Also Like
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”