I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Sign of the day..
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: