[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it