Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?