there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Every time my phone rings
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”