[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess