My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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our love story in four pictures
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>