MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
c’mon!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
✌🏽
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
mmm onion ringos
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.