[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar